I went to Thailand with a bit of resistance, lots of people, smug, scooters, and no hygiene in a busy market was my idea of Asia.
But boy gully was there a gift for my soul to enter, something in me was to stay in Asia and never leave.
I had been travelling with my friend Sebastian for over a year in Australia, in that time I had been arrested two times for street fighting.
We were now in Chiang Mai Thailand and had friends from Denmark, and we had been drinking, smoking and partying for about 1,5 months straight.
Son kran was left and then me and Bas were to start training in Muay Thai, the final day of partying turned out to be my last day being wasted drunk to this day (besides my bachelor party two years ago)
Son Kran is a Buddhist new year which like most other things this day, has gone over the rails and is one big party of drunk people, people shooting with water guns, and buckets of water, freaking super amazing!
The fest and tradition itself are about cleansing oneself with water for the new year to come.
Late on that last evening where most of the water had stopped, my friends was still going at it with the water guns, and they shot on this man walking with dry clothes and he got angry, and went for them, I came out of the bar and saw him being hostile and as I do, took it as my responsibility to get rid of him, he had taken the big water gun from my friend and I went to grab it, we fought of the gun like a mission impossible movie, the gun in the middle and each of us pulling back, I saw the chance to change the direction from pull to push, and I pushed the gun into his face and the plastic broke and cut his face straight open.
I don’t remember much but next thing I went running, drunk and stupid as we were, we meet this group of English lads further down the road and we started having fun with them, forgetting all about what had happened, all of a sudden a motorbike pulls up and its a cop, he says something about being a cop and I am off like the wind running again, I run to our hotel and into our room on the fifth floor, a friend who had stayed behind is there, the next thing the receptionist calls and says the police is there and asks me to come down, I am up in the room and we are smoking weed and being careless, weed was contrary to now super illegal in Thailand.
I go down and we get loaded on the back of a pickup truck to go to the station, the cops are friendly, they don't care much because it was not a Thai guy I had hurt.
At the station we get told the conditions, and that I can make bail.. Easy.. the thought of a Thai prison had dawned on me, and to be honest, I was ready for it.. at this point in my life, I was in full destroyer mode, I was a big strong angry guy, super high on the powers I felt of my capability to fight..
The morning after I woke up and had completely forgotten my mom was coming for a visit, and was standing in the airport..
I felt about the same after that night, with zero remorse..
We went to Burger King to treat our hangover, something I think people do to this day?
I will never forget this moment of trying to get this nasty burger down, I only ate half which had never happened before, that I wouldn’t finish any meal, and thought 'I am finished with this..'
A couple of weeks later, our friends left, my mom left, and I signed up for a vipassana course.
(photos is me on the phone with my mom)
My interest for meditation had come during my time in Australia, I had overheard someone talking about the book The Power of the Now, with Ekhart tolle, and I had found it as an audiobook, I think I must have heard it most nights for 6 months, but never catching anything because its the author himself narrating and he has the calmest and boring voice..
I had also met a girl in Darwin who had been to a 3-day vipassana, and she had said how they only eat one meal a day. I thought wow one meal a day! That was the most distant thought I could ever imagine.
(photo me before Vipassana )
Back to Thailand
I found a vipassana, where you could stay for a minimum of 7 days, the full course was 28 days, but I thought that would be a good first experience with 7 days
As soon as I had registered I already decided that I would go for the full 28days.
Before going there I had googled meditation and I had found all kinds of photos with people in blissful rainbow colours and whatnot, and my imagination started creating all kinds of things of what I would experience..
Needless to say to anyone who has been to a vipasana the rainbow light and bliss is letting itself wait..
Rather the experience is pain, and then pain but then more pain…
This way of vipassana is not the 10-day Goenka, that most who is familiar with vipassana go through.
Rather it's a self-timed practice, and you go through 28 points and every round confirms that you are sitting… sitting.. breathing… breathing…feeling.. feeling..
We do the 18 hours of fasting, but we are completely self paced and meditate from 5am till 21.00 hours, you sleep very deep!
You yourself set the timer, and the idea is to not look at the time.
The similarity between Goenka and here is that the idea of time becomes the first point of deep deep suffering and pain, not knowing how long there is left sitting in this pain which only seems to be getting worse, is one of the most challenging things I have ever done to myself.
1 hour sittings.
We didn’t sit in big groups which were good for me since sometimes I would be sitting and punching and twisting my skin on other parts of my body to take the pain away from the hips or back, sweating, swearing, moaning.. all happening in a inside war.
Everything is so intensely painful, feeling like my body will get permanently hurt if I continue this, with this deep desire to know how long is left!
Sometimes losing the mental battle turning the timer to look and get heartbroken by seeing that I only lasted 15 minutes, other times finally turning to see that there is a missing 1 minute..
Selfmade torture 101
Most time it would take what felt like 10 minutes to straighten my legs out after sitting, so much pain and agony..
The angry monk..
I called him the Nazi, he was angry from the time we enrolled, and if he would catch us looking pity he would yell! 'NOBODY HAS EVER DIED FROM SITTING!'
I thought what the hell is this kind of a monk..
I remember one time I had just finally straightened my legs out in front and I was sitting up against a wall, I must have looked like I had just given birth, sweeting, open-mouth breathing, he sees me and yells at me because my feet is pointing towards the buddha.. If I had any kind of movement power I would have taken him by the throat, but I couldn’t move …
The 11th day, the break down..
On the 11th of being in pain, I thought ‘What the hell am I doing here?’
We had a daily opportunity to speak with the monk (not the angry monk), when I tried to explain to him the pain I was in, every time he would just laughe and in his thick Thai accent. say ‘Aha impermanence hahaha!’
'Impermanence, what does that even mean?! What do I do? Is there some stretches I can do or something? '
My whole idea was that the bliss was the point of this, not the pain..
On the 11th day I was fighting, I was at the edge of having enough of this!
Again sitting wanting to look at the clock… finally losing again, turning the clock to see that there were 15 minutes left! I got so annoyed that I said to my body! JUST SHUT UP I AM GOING TO SIT HERE IN FULL PAIN FOR THE LAST 15 MINUTES!!!
And pufff… the pain disappeared.. I was struck, what just happened? The pain just disappeared.. I was afraid that it would come back, so I didn’t want to move, and I kept sitting even after the alarm rang.
Without pain, I finally got out of the posture, because I started getting worried that my legs would get stuck, and I proudly thought to myself! HAHA I have figured it out! I got it now!!
You guessed it.. the pain was back at the next sitting…
Day 17. Talking. - Life is practice is life
Vipassana is a silent meditation retreat, (exterior silence at least) plenty of inner dialogs, I was judging, commenting you name it on the inside..
On the daily meetings with the monks, where we could ask questions and we would get instructions we would sit in a waiting room in silence, you would get the opportunity to look at other people, judge them or whatever one might find appropriate, and I remember this picture in the room, it said ‘Life is practice is life’
On day 17 a guy that I had good eye contact with was leaving, and at the launch we started talking.. The feeling of talking after such a long time was ecstatic, I could feel all the chemicals getting released and how I got high and we laughed about every little thing we said..
A couple of days later I found myself sitting in a break between practice, and laughing out loud to myself, I thought if someone would see me they would think that I had lost my mind.. And they would have been right..
The final 3 days… Staying awake..
In this tradition, one finishes with 3 days of being locked in a room, and you are supposed to meditate without sleeping, food is left delivered to you so there Is as little disturbance to the self-torture that is happening in that process..
On the second night, I was sitting on my bed where I was meditating and decided to just lie down for half a second.. Just a wee bit, the light was on and the bed was full of stuff so I couldn't get comfortable, just a small moment on the side ahhh..
Gone, I woke up, I don’t know how long after in a kinda panic that I had fallen asleep, I was under the blanket, the things were placed nicely on the floor and the lights was turned off, I checked the door if someone had entered and shut off the lights and put me to bed, but the door was still locked..
A rush of guilt energy and a feeling that I had to do it all over again came to me..
The day after the 28th day and the 3 days of not sleeping finished..
I confessed to the monk full of guilt that I had fallen asleep..
He said, of course, everyone does in the beginning..
9 kg lighter I walked out of the temple Wat Ram Poeng, waiting for the bus, I didn’t feel any different, I felt like I had wasted a month of my life…
I tried to continue a daily practice, but it lasted under a week.. The loss of the 9 kg was in my material understanding of life the biggest ‘gain’, I felt light and fast as I started training Muay Thai, and I also discovered the power and focus of the mind.
In the sense of training and pushing myself, I had reached a new level, amazing at that point, but also something I have had to learn to respect and honour, still something I can struggle with to this day..
The changes were not apparent to me, the gifts that I have and still am receiving have come from that point, I have never been in a fight since Vipassana 2013, never have I been to a Burger King or any of that sorts, and like I mentioned only one time have I been out of control drunk, and that was an experiment of letting go, 2 years ago I started occasionally to drink soft drinks again, also to let go of my seriousness and rigidity…
I am a monkey by nature, and its bad news when I get too serious about something.
(Photo after vipassana)
Looking back, with now 3 more vipassana, and a bunch of a lot of silent retreats, rites, training and rituals under the belt, I still extract teachings from this first experience.
The 9 kgs were losing much more than material.
It’s not about stretching and making it easier to sit cross-legged, it’s about dis attachment from that old familiar pain, the pain brings the gift of healing.
The body is the memory card of this life and past, and the pain is the trauma and trigger points arising to make itself noticed, and able to get released and healed in the practice if one does not give into it again..
It’s easy to move, the pain will be over in a short time, but not gone, it only goes away when it is seen and felt fully.
The ego's only interest is to reaffirm its existence, it constantly senses out signals to reconfirm that its here, when we don’t give in, it sends out stronger signals I.g pain, itching, tiredness, joy, laughter, even Britney Spears songs, and if one just keeps observing the rising and passing, ego can go away for a moment, and here one can reach states of shunya or samadhi, which for me has been frightening and wonderful..
(photo, about 5-6 months after vippasana)
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